Several people have asked what requires an apology and how do we know when to make one.
These are really good questions/ observations. Let me tell a story:
Children most often grow in opposition to their parents…it how young people differentiate themselves from the identity of the parent. Now, as parents we want to support when our children are incorporating what is in keeping with our basic goals and beliefs, BUT we do not want them to be little robots mimicking us without an identity of their own. It is healthy for children to develop their own identities and differentiate from us as parents.
To accomplish this we must be able to reinforce both aspects, and reward the child for seeking themselves. In some families this is very difficult for the parents to do. The family I grew up in was just such a family. My dad was a good man, and “ruled” the family with a strong hand…and a strong mind. One of the gifts I learned was to be strong willed and a strong clear thinker. However, as I expressed my own thinking, I was differentiating myself from his point of view. He would challenge my thinking, ” I deny your first premise, Pup!” And I would demand he listen to me anyway.
This went on for years, as I marched, taught, challenged others to think and act on their aspirations and vision. Dad and I went around and around….
Then one Sunday he called me to talk. The night before there had been a program on PSB, “How we got the Vote.” ( I think this is still available on YouTube). The documentary presented the history and suffering of women as we fought, marched and challenged the status quo to establish our right to vote.
This is what my father said, almost word for word. “Pup, I owe you an apology! I watched the program How We Got The Vote, and I did not understand before what you are trying to do. I didn’t understand and I do now. I wanted you to know I am proud of you for what you are doing to change things and right wrongs. I am so sorry I did not understand.”
I cried and laughed at the same time. He covered all the bases for great parenting…he accepted my differentiation…and acknowledged what I was doing then. He also provided me with the emotional support to go forward to work for change and try to build the world I envisioned. This is when and how we choose to apologize. Parents to do not have to apologize all the time to make their children strong and independent, they have to do it at significant points. And that is a judgment call!
